I broke up with my most recent ex-girlfriend the first Monday back
(she gets a mention in here at the end cause I'm an asshole like that)
and my best friend got back from Shanghai and his hair was long past his ears
he'd only been gone six months but we both know that he had been gone three years

and I guess that I'm tearing the fourth wall to pieces
cause this one's the most recent, man it all feels so recent
I got into seven of eight grad schools I applied to
I got into my friend's ex, who screams when she rides you
I got four-hundred kids drunk for free at four AM
I got four-hundred dollars in parking tickets by the end
and my veins are still open, and I'm still bleeding colors
all over California, but Texas is my mother

the first girl I asked out for Valentine's Day now lives in the Mission
and the second girl I asked will in seven years mother my children
and with both I listened to Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix in my car
and when they knew the words to Lasso, well it broke my damn heart
so what does that mean? is there no greater plan?
did I make this all up? do I not understand?
and am I where I am because in January of my senior year
Elodie invited me to a French party and I talked to a Japanese girl
and had coffees and brunches, and took shots and made out
while my future self screamed at me 'don't fuck this up now'
but I just can't shake this damn feeling of survivor guilt
cause I sure didn't earn this and I do not deserve her
I do not deserve her, I do not deserve her, I do not deserve her, I do not deserve her

I didn't go to my own graduation
I didn't want some big goodbye moment

and my dorm room was empty but I didn't feel lonely
I read Murakami in bed while the sun arced up slowly
and illuminated the cinderblock walls I remembered
staring at my first day in August 2011
when I was seventeen, and everything was exciting
and my posters weren't ripped, and my macbook was shining
I miss that kid sometimes, he's a sweet one and he doesn't yet know
that he'll meet so much death, love, drugs and fucking
but he doesn't care, he's not thinking about it
he's just glad to be out of New Jersey and shouting
on late nights with his head out of the window down 59
with the West U streetlights guiding all the rides back to Greenbriar

but he won, and he set me up good, and I'm thankful
the future's been kind
I may have peaked but I'm stable
I saw Jennifer in January, on the day she moved to Portland
and now we've both seen the world, and aced the interview, and become corporate
but I'll always remember the joy of not knowing
and the thrill of it all out before me
blink four times, it's over